A Letter From Your Cat
Hi there. Howâ€™s it going?
The litter box could use some attention, but things are generally fine with me. But there are a few points Iâ€™d like to clarify in order for our coexistence to be more harmonious.
Itâ€™s mainly little things, like itâ€™s impolite to close the refrigerator door before Iâ€™m finished browsing. When walking to the kitchen remember I have the right-of-way. You should avoid canned vegetables to avoid unnecessary can-opener frenzy. And remember cats are independent, but least so when youâ€™re holding a tuna sandwich.
I have plenty of impressive abilities that Iâ€™m not sure you appreciate. I can do the hundred yard dash in a twelve by twenty foot living room. Iâ€™m pretty sure the airborne hair I shed helps repair the ozone layer. I can nap on command. I have no problem rising early on your days off, too. And when youâ€™re just standing there cooking, do you have any idea how much skill it takes to do figure eights around your legs while meowing? Actually you should probably have a college fund for me – Normal cats should have a bail fund.
Iâ€™m just asking for a little effort on your part. You have to realize thereâ€™s a fine line between house plants and salad bars. And upon discovering a plant knocked over, try to identify what you did wrong. What you see as my noisy 3 AM grooming, I see as good time management. Donâ€™t forget – Clock radio alarms are for folks who donâ€™t have cats. So we could better communicate, it would be helpful if you familiarized yourself with the dozens of different nuances of â€œmeow.â€
Also by now you should know that I neither expect nor grant washroom privacy. If you see a cat on TV, donâ€™t hold me in front of it; Iâ€™ve seen cats before, for crying out loud. By the way, if youâ€™re talking to a cat you donâ€™t need to use the highest voice possible. Maybe youâ€™re confusing us with dogs. And I still see the neutering as unnecessary surgery.
Here are just a few general guidelines before I sign off. Choose outfits which are complimented by the colour of my hair. When youâ€™re carrying the scent of another cat, you better have a good excuse. If Iâ€™m in the room give yourself an extra ten minutes to make a bed. Choose a vet with warm hands. Make sure the family photographerâ€™s studio has a litter box.
You have to realize how mentally draining Extreme Bird Watching can be. When I nod off staring at the wall, itâ€™s cute; when you do it, itâ€™s perceived as â€œlosing it.â€ Any food that falls on the floor is fair game; I donâ€™t acknowledge a â€œfive second rule.â€ Realize how seriously I take a simple game of hide and seek.
Warmest regards, donâ€™t knock tail chasing till youâ€™ve tried itâ€¦
P.S. – Idea: Why not lobby TV producers to think about doing a show called â€œMarried With Cats.â€
By Rick Dickert.