CatHi there. How’s it going?

The litter box could use some attention, but things are generally fine with me. But there are a few points I’d like to clarify in order for our coexistence to be more harmonious.

It’s mainly little things, like it’s impolite to close the refrigerator door before I’m finished browsing. When walking to the kitchen remember I have the right-of-way. You should avoid canned vegetables to avoid unnecessary can-opener frenzy. And remember cats are independent, but least so when you’re holding a tuna sandwich.

I have plenty of impressive abilities that I’m not sure you appreciate. I can do the hundred yard dash in a twelve by twenty foot living room. I’m pretty sure the airborne hair I shed helps repair the ozone layer. I can nap on command. I have no problem rising early on your days off, too. And when you’re just standing there cooking, do you have any idea how much skill it takes to do figure eights around your legs while meowing? Actually you should probably have a college fund for me – Normal cats should have a bail fund.

I’m just asking for a little effort on your part. You have to realize there’s a fine line between house plants and salad bars. And upon discovering a plant knocked over, try to identify what you did wrong. What you see as my noisy 3 AM grooming, I see as good time management. Don’t forget – Clock radio alarms are for folks who don’t have cats. So we could better communicate, it would be helpful if you familiarized yourself with the dozens of different nuances of “meow.”

Also by now you should know that I neither expect nor grant washroom privacy. If you see a cat on TV, don’t hold me in front of it; I’ve seen cats before, for crying out loud. By the way, if you’re talking to a cat you don’t need to use the highest voice possible. Maybe you’re confusing us with dogs. And I still see the neutering as unnecessary surgery.

Here are just a few general guidelines before I sign off. Choose outfits which are complimented by the colour of my hair. When you’re carrying the scent of another cat, you better have a good excuse. If I’m in the room give yourself an extra ten minutes to make a bed. Choose a vet with warm hands. Make sure the family photographer’s studio has a litter box.

You have to realize how mentally draining Extreme Bird Watching can be. When I nod off staring at the wall, it’s cute; when you do it, it’s perceived as “losing it.” Any food that falls on the floor is fair game; I don’t acknowledge a “five second rule.” Realize how seriously I take a simple game of hide and seek.

Warmest regards, don’t knock tail chasing till you’ve tried it.

Your Cat

P.S. – Idea: Why not lobby TV producers to think about doing a show called “Married With Cats.

By Rick Dickert.